Prison

I went to visit my friend in prison today. It was very grim there and his personality has changed somewhat in the few weeks he has been there. He is in a minimum security facility, but even that is awful. I can't help thinking of a rabid dog in a cage waiting to die. They remove your soul there and replace it with something I do not recognize.

I was happy to have seen him but now in the wee hours I am sad. I feel lost and cut off from everything good after having seen the reality of it. I am so sad that I am unable to sleep without nightmares, so I think I will not sleep tonight. Fatique will force me to sleep tomorrow night and that is soon enough.

Depression is rampant

Depression is rampant among my friends. In addition to the two losses I mentioned in the last post, another close friend, who recently retired, has become a recluse. He goes for a walk alone for an hour everyday and then stays inside his house. I cannot get him to go anywhere.

Still another friend has crawled inside a bottle and lives in astate of altered consciousness most of the time, and yet another told me he is collecting pills with the intent of taking his life. The poor man is no longer able to walk and spends his life in a wheel chair or in bed. Having been a football player in college and a naval officer, he is crushed by this inactivity. He hates being an invalid.

I am surrounded by this depression and my job is to remain above it. I am doing my best to stay untouched.

Friends

I am losing friends at a terrible rate.

One week ago a friend from high school days went to prison for a year after entering a guilty plea. His friends expected him to have a trial and to be found not guilty, then life would go on as before. I have been unable to speak to him to find out why he pleaded guilty.

This morning a friend of about seven years died. He had surgery a couple of weeks ago and had been home for five days. Everyone thought he was past the critical phase of recovery and then this morning he suddenly died. He one of the most humble people I have ever known and the world is poorer for his absence.

Impermanance is a fact. Everything crumbles and I will disappear someday, however I miss them both. It all makes me sad. It is a bad time but I suppose I will feel better tomorrow, assuming I am here tomorrow.

Cave

It did not take as long as last year. Here it is, the 23rd, and I am out of my emotional cave. I was melancholy for a few days, but I awoke this morning feeling as if something good is about to happen. I hope the feeling is correct. I am ready for some good news.

Death and Psyche

August 19 will be the second anniversary of the death of my mother. Last wednesday, my therapist said, "You are shutting me out. Every year, at this time, you start shutting down emotionally." On reflection, I believe she is right. When faced with an overwhelming situation, and those are rare, I usually go into my cave and hibernate emotionally. It is self-defense for my psyche. I will be out by Labor Day.

Greece

I have just returned from Santorini and it is no wonder that culture was first recorded in this part of the world. The climate is perfect and everything moves to natural cues. I awakened to the sound of small bells on the donkeys as they walked to work every morning. I drank my coffee while watching them walk the narrow passages on the side of a cliff. I almost forgot I had a watch.

Everything is up or down there. Nothing is flat and that almost killed my knees the first few days. I soon adapted and it felt natural by the end of my stay. I suppose I am in a little better shape than when I arrived.

The azure Aegean and the stunning sunsets were hard to leave, but the best thing is that I left the cobwebs of my mind that arrived with me in Santorini. The might be the best vacation ever. I feel renewed.

Dog

I think she overheard us talking about her death and decided to get better. She is still with us and I am grateful. I know it is coming but I will enjoy her as long as possible.

Nothing Lasts

The vet has told me my dog is just too old to go on and should be euthanized. I know nothing is permanent and I do not fear death, but I do not like it for others, especially a being who trusts me and loves me without conditions.

I had a terrible time with the death of my mother and my elderely father balances on the fulcrum of eternity and none of that is right. My own anihilation is OK, but not that of those who actually have contributed something good.

On the other hand, it is not right to allow a being to suffer when you can end that suffering. In the end, I suppose my pain is selfish. I do not want to give up another being who gives me love. There seems to be too little of that.

Discovery

Insight is powerful. Knowing the source of some of my frustration is allowing me to recover some of the freedom I have surrendered over my lifetime. I am feeling better physically and mentally and I am going to Greece for the month of July. I have rented a house overlooking the sea and I may never return. I expect to drink, dance and throw plates.

News Flash

This week I discovered that my mother actually chose who I should marry. I never knew it. Mothers are devious. I thought it was my idea and she made me think it was. Will I ever get to make MY choice?

New Insight

I now have new insight about my condition. I have been looking for the missing part of my identity or self in a relationship with a woman. I am a romantic I guess. I have been looking for this my entire adult life and am just now coming to understand it at this late stage of my life. There is simply a missing piece of me out there and I will not be complete until I find her.

I asked the therapist if this was healthy or not and I received the usual answer, " We can't know that yet. It will require more analysis." At least I know a little about why I have always been so restless. I am just looking for the RIGHT woman, however, the therapist thinks I should be able to find more peace within my own being. Everything is a matter of degree.

Seriously

Well, here it is. I am sixty-four today and spending the evening alone. My significant other is out of the country and all my children live in other cities. The house is very quiet and I am finding it difficult to fall asleep.

Thinking back to 1963, I remember thinking how different the world would be by this date, but I must admit I am a little disappointed. I expected cancer and heart disease would have been conquered by now. I thought we would be traveling to other planets and I thought education would have spread peace throughout the world. My generation is the one who worked in the Peace Corps and died in Vietnam. My generation brought in the Age of Aquarius and corporate greed. Whenever we take a step forward, something else jumps the track.

My children are adults and taking on the problems of life, while I am thinking about drawing Social Security and getting on Medicare. I have tried to teach them to be enthusiastic about life, but not take themselves as seriously as I have, because that is what lead me to this little disappointment. Over-reaching our ability to build a Great Society has plagued us from the time of King David, Alexander the Great, Augustus Caesar right on down to LBJ. Now our new leader is thinking he can do the same.

All in all, it has been an interesting and productive life, but I wish I had taken a little more time for fun and love. This serious stuff will never be finished because someone is always in the way. The best we can expect is to move forward in small steps and that journey takes more time than I have left.

Humor For A Change

I decided to open the pool the day before Easter because all my children are coming home for the holiday. The cover was removed. The water was checked and the appropriate chemicals were added, but the pool sweep was tied in a knot and needed to be released. As I knelt over the edge and reached for the pool sweep tubing, I lost my balance and fell head-first into the water. It is a good thing I had the heat pump on and the water was eighty degrees warm, because the air temperature was fifty-five. I was fine until I got out of the water and then I felt as if I would freeze.

I was fully dressed in jeans and sweat shirt, but the real casualty was my cell phone. It died an agonizing death due to the salt water and some exchange of ions. I spent the rest of the morning getting dry and then the afternoon was spent trying to replace the cell phone.

You can imagine the laughter and ridicule from my wife. She pointed out that we might need a pool boy because I will be sixty-four in a week and am too senile and clumsy to run a pool. This has damaged my ego. Go ahead and laugh. At least I am good for that.

Endings

We buried my mother's sister yesterday and it was bittersweet. The sweetness came from seeing cousins with whom I have lost contact and the bitterness came when I saw pictures of my mother with my deceased aunt. My mother has been gone nearly two years and there are still moments when I need to cry about it. This was one of them.

I do not fear death and I do not want anyone to live forever, but my parents and their generation gave us a world that seemed to belong to us. I felt safe and secure. It is a shame that my generation has messsed it up by our selfishness and that our parents got to enjoy it for such a short time. I would rather they be alive than me, because they sacrificed more and did a better job of running the world. I am almost ashamed.

Great Expectaions

Most people try to project their expectations on to you and then wonder what is wrong with you when you don't agree with them. They cannot accept that we are all different and all looking to find something other than what they want. It makes for a lot of sadness and confusion, but think of how dull it would be if we all wanted the same thing (significant other, house, car, food, friends). Oh, I guess that is what starts fueds or wars. We all want the same piece of land and we want everyone to live the same lifestyle. Get over it. Let us be free to live and love with as much freedom as possible. Don't get your shorts in a knot.

Get Real

So now the therapist says I am trying to replace the perfect love I had with my mother by falling in love with someone new and projecting all those qualities of perfection onto the object of my desire. I pointed out that I never wanted to f__k my mother, but doc replied that there is always a sexual component between parent and child of the opposite sex. When I told doc I never felt that, I was told that I was a child and not aware of sexual components but they still exist. I then said, "I suppose that just makes me a Motherf__cker." I thought the therapist was going to faint and that is when the session ended.

Epiphany

My doc tells me I shut down the right side of my brain around 1965 because my parents and significant other taught me it was not proper to be artistic and have feelings. I was told to get my life organized and leave my music behind.

After college, I married and went to professional school where I was taught that anything less than perfection was total failure. That was the standard for my life and for my profession, so my art and my emotions were buried deeper as I moved into the left side of my brain.

That was my life until a couple of years ago. I retired from my profession, my mother died and I met someone who rekindled my emotions. Suddenly all the feelings that were suppressed for forty-two years came rushing out of me and I have been out of control since. The right side of my brain will not be locked up any longer

That is my story and I'm sticking to it.

How Did This Happen?

It is Spring and I am staring at my sixty-fourth birthday. I never thought I would live this long and if I did, I expected to be much wiser. The real surprise is that I have not resolved the same problems I had forty years ago. I thought I had, but some of them have kicked open the door to my psyche and re-entered my consciousness. I know this makes no sense, but perhaps I will write more later. It is late and I am sleepy. Good Night!