Christmas Day 2010

Gaius and Santa 2010

He has boosted my spirit of joy.

Circle of Life

Once again, the circle of life is completed by the arrival of a new generation. My grandson, Gaius Elijah Sanchez, was born on August 14, 2010. The anniversary of the death of my mother is August 19. Now the number of our family has been restored and all of us are moving ahead, even me. We were all together on the 19th and there was no sadness, only joy. We remember those who are no longer with us and we honor their great contribution, but we now look to the future and new possibilities.

Prison

I went to visit my friend in prison today. It was very grim there and his personality has changed somewhat in the few weeks he has been there. He is in a minimum security facility, but even that is awful. I can't help thinking of a rabid dog in a cage waiting to die. They remove your soul there and replace it with something I do not recognize.

I was happy to have seen him but now in the wee hours I am sad. I feel lost and cut off from everything good after having seen the reality of it. I am so sad that I am unable to sleep without nightmares, so I think I will not sleep tonight. Fatique will force me to sleep tomorrow night and that is soon enough.

Depression is rampant

Depression is rampant among my friends. In addition to the two losses I mentioned in the last post, another close friend, who recently retired, has become a recluse. He goes for a walk alone for an hour everyday and then stays inside his house. I cannot get him to go anywhere.

Still another friend has crawled inside a bottle and lives in astate of altered consciousness most of the time, and yet another told me he is collecting pills with the intent of taking his life. The poor man is no longer able to walk and spends his life in a wheel chair or in bed. Having been a football player in college and a naval officer, he is crushed by this inactivity. He hates being an invalid.

I am surrounded by this depression and my job is to remain above it. I am doing my best to stay untouched.

Friends

I am losing friends at a terrible rate.

One week ago a friend from high school days went to prison for a year after entering a guilty plea. His friends expected him to have a trial and to be found not guilty, then life would go on as before. I have been unable to speak to him to find out why he pleaded guilty.

This morning a friend of about seven years died. He had surgery a couple of weeks ago and had been home for five days. Everyone thought he was past the critical phase of recovery and then this morning he suddenly died. He one of the most humble people I have ever known and the world is poorer for his absence.

Impermanance is a fact. Everything crumbles and I will disappear someday, however I miss them both. It all makes me sad. It is a bad time but I suppose I will feel better tomorrow, assuming I am here tomorrow.

Cave

It did not take as long as last year. Here it is, the 23rd, and I am out of my emotional cave. I was melancholy for a few days, but I awoke this morning feeling as if something good is about to happen. I hope the feeling is correct. I am ready for some good news.